Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to Woowooville, the next stop on your spiritual journey, hosted by two fellow travelers who found a soul connection on the path to higher consciousness.
Our goal is to help you navigate the choppy waters you're likely to encounter on the spiritual path by sharing our experiences with you each week.
Join us as we spill the tea on what it's like to wake up to your authentic self.
Hello, everyone. My name is Emeril, and I'm here with.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: I am Lola Singer. And maybe we should do another quick reminder about why we do this podcast.
[00:00:38] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:00:39] Speaker B: We're both fellow travelers on the spiritual journey, and we recognized once we had begun the journey that it's well worth it, but that it has its ups and downs. So we wanted to let people know the things we learned so that if you're new to the spiritual journey, you can be prepared for them early on and things we wished we knew earlier.
[00:01:00] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:01:02] Speaker B: So one of the things that we're going to be addressing today is just because you're on the spiritual path doesn't mean everything turns out to be, you know, lollipops and roses and unicorns. Right?
[00:01:14] Speaker A: No, it's definitely not a walk in the park, for sure.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: It really helps us to identify what needs changing in our lives, and that's what this particular episode's about. So what is the title?
Transcending Triggers. Yes.
[00:01:33] Speaker A: So the title for our episode today is Transcending Triggers. And what's really funny is that we talked about the title, but then it just flew my head. So, hey, whatever, we're here now.
[00:01:46] Speaker B: I think you were focused on the trigger and not the transcend part.
[00:01:48] Speaker A: Exactly.
And, you know, with triggers, it's really interesting because our triggers are not the problem. In fact, they're portals. They literally bring out whatever bothers you inside. They're showing you where there's work to be done.
So sometimes it's more about normalizing those triggers, meaning not be shamed by them or not feel ashamed. And you know that with triggers, it doesn't. It can really vary. Some triggers can be very mild, like, I didn't like that word, or I heard something that. It just didn't sit well with me. And some triggers can be like, I'm very frustrated or I'm very angry right
[00:02:33] Speaker B: now, or it can cause complete ego.
[00:02:36] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:02:36] Speaker B: Destruction. Yeah.
[00:02:37] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:02:38] Speaker B: And you're right. And. And there's very. And depending on how much you've worked with yourself and healed some of the triggers, some, eventually they have a softer landing.
[00:02:46] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:02:47] Speaker B: Right.
So what happened here is that Emeril did some research. I did some research. We're going to start with what I found out, and then we're going to go a little deeper into the triggers.
[00:03:00] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:03:01] Speaker B: So the first thing that we need to recognize, and I think a lot of people understand this intuitively, but what is a trigger in the first place?
[00:03:08] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:09] Speaker B: So when I asked, the result I got was that, you know, it. We know how it happens sometimes, but why does it happen? So our triggers reflect our pain.
Certain situations produce intense emotional reactions, sometimes in ways that we don't. It's like, where did that come from? Right.
It could be someone raising their voice at us because we're feeling criticized. It can even happen like we're feeling ignored.
Or sometimes when you fear abandonment, like somebody's going to leave those. Those are some pretty common triggers.
So what's happening here is that you're in the present moment, but you're in conflict with a past wound.
So a trigger is usually an old emotional memory that's being activated in the present.
[00:04:02] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:03] Speaker B: And we all had certain coping skills we developed to survive as children. For example, mine was to withdraw and, you know, go do art.
Every. Everybody's got their own techniques, but it's interesting how we still fall back on them as adults as well. So our coping skills and our triggers go hand in hand.
So oftentimes these are based on, you know, childhood shame. Like we talked about fears of abandonment, feeling like you're losing control.
And so we need to kind of look at it from an adult perspective. And I think a lot of times we do. Yeah, we go, oh, I'm triggered, because it reminds me of how I felt when I was younger. Sometimes we recognize and we catch it really well. Right?
[00:04:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:44] Speaker B: But at other times, it just seems to explode. And we don't know these feelings from the past. Sometimes they can be quite overwhelming. We think we've. We think. And especially when we're doing spiritual work, we think we've addressed it already. And then all of a sudden, something happens. Somebody says a word, or it reminds you of the past, and you're right down. Down that train, riding that train again. So.
So anyway, we'll talk about what some of the triggers are and how they reflect the pain you're feeling. And what do you want to say about that?
[00:05:20] Speaker A: Just that a lot of our triggers is just. They're just showing us where there's still work to be done. Of course. And there's also a lot of the times when we do get the triggers, they come out of nowhere. And it's because they're always like deep inner work that needs to be done regarding them because it would. They wouldn't affect you unless there was something that was holding on to.
So our first one, for example, is the fear of someone leaving you, which what needs to be healed for that is abandonment and rejection.
Now this one goes deeply deep because so I have. I can definitely attest that I have had abandonment and rejection issues growing up my whole entire life. And it started with my parents.
But how it moves up in the life. And that's what we wanted to kind of explain so that maybe you can also identify yourself or catch it is it'll start with your parents, meaning they didn't like really pay attention to you or you felt abandoned by them. And it's sometimes it can be numerous things. For example, the parent could be really busy and work so much that they really have no energy. So you feel abandoned emotionally, or you can feel abandoned physically, or both. Sometimes how this develops later on would be things such as feeling abandoned by like later on because you're giving life to this frequency, you'll feel like you're abandoned by your family too.
Or for example, you'll get in relationships because you don't want to feel abandoned. And those relationships don't end up working out because there's such a pressure into you being over like needing really that affection, whatever you want to call it. And that will move into even more things such as your. You feel unworthy, that kind of connects with that as well as like even an abundance. You feel abandoned by abundance.
Or you can even feel abandoned later on by your deeper connection with whatever your belief system is by source, by God, whatever you want to call it. Like there's people that literally they have such a deep abandonment issues that I once like when I'm saying people, I'm talking about myself, I. I once upon a time thought I was abandoned by source itself, which that's impossible because we're made out of source energy.
[00:07:54] Speaker B: I think a lot of people feel that.
[00:07:55] Speaker A: Yep. And I'm just showing you the different. How it expands from one thing to another because it's like a snowball effect. It starts really small and when we're little, we don't know how to react to it. So that energy, it starts creating as we know what we give life to inside.
It's a magnetic charge to bring those type of situations into our life. So you're going to feel abandoned and rejected throughout your life by different things, by relationships, by other family members, socially.
So there's just so many things that pile up into it when we don't heal that part of us that it just keeps growing and growing.
[00:08:39] Speaker B: Yeah, but abandonment is such a core issue for humans in general.
I think this is one of the toughest ones. Probably why it's number one on the list. Because traditionally, if you were exiled from the tribe and you were told to leave, you were going to die.
You're not likely to survive by yourself out in the wilderness environment that you've been cast out into. So I think this is such a deep, deep, deep issue and such a deep, deep fear because it's not just what we perceive in our present day. It's the ancestral memories.
So it's a big one.
Okay, so the next one on the list is for triggers. Is that when most feedback feels like criticism. Oh my gosh, that's me most of my life.
I have to admit that I've gotten a lot better about that. But I. I would take that as a personal affront. And of course, you know, that gets your defensive, defensive attitude up. Right. So you're probably going to strike back at them or. Yeah.
Wow.
So that's happening when you might need to heal.
Being critical or disapproving.
Let me just raise this. You had a critical or disapproving caretaker. I did. That was my dad for sure.
And I don't think we're unique. I'm sure the people in the audience can relate to that.
And I think what you're saying is like, a lot of times parents don't even know they're doing it.
[00:10:24] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's what it is. So our parents were very hurt. And off of that hurt, they could only that what got transferred into parenting. Whatever their parenting style, whatever they were bringing to the table as parents could only come from that hurt state. And if they had not healed themselves, they were going to bring that to you. Now how this shows up later on in life is when someone talks to you, you can easily get offended. You can easily get hurt. You can always like see it in a negative way instead of seeing it a positive way.
Eventually it gets transfer into even like negative self talk for yourself too easily. That we all have that mind that always like, it's almost like every time we want to take a go and do something, we're always our worst enemy. So that's like our mind working through that trigger itself and going through that.
That how it snowballs into something bigger.
[00:11:30] Speaker B: You know, I'm thinking about social labeling, which is, you know, if you've Got a parent who keeps telling you, you're this, you're this, you're this. Like, I was the bad twin, and literally I had a twin sister. She was the good one, I was the bad one. Why was a bad one? Because I would point out the elephants in the living room.
[00:11:47] Speaker A: Right. Yeah.
[00:11:49] Speaker B: Selfish. That's what I heard all the time. You're my mom. You say you're. Oh, yeah. My mom was critical, too. You're selfish just like your father. I don't know how many times I heard that.
So eventually, when you have social labeling going on, eventually the child says, well, if you keep telling me I am, then I must be. So I'm going to be that.
So I don't think parents understand when you consistently giving a message like, you're the bad, you're the bad kid in the family.
Well, it's okay if everyone thinks I'm the bad kid, then I might as well be bad.
So I don't think parents know exactly what they're doing. Sometimes you're. Well, no. Well, I have. I.
In retrospect, as an adult, you can see that they didn't.
[00:12:30] Speaker A: Yeah. Well. And you know, that's part of their process, too. Like, they're going through their healing journey. Even if they. They're choosing not to heal, they can only offer from where they're standing, like. Like, however hurt they are, that's the only thing they can offer.
I remember for the longest times when I started, and this is really natural to go through, some of the things that you're going to realize is as you start healing yourself, you're going to cross. You're going to come across a lot of anger and resentment because you start understanding the damage that was done to you. And then you can't help but first kind of automatically have anger, anger or resentment. That was your parents. But then you're going to realize, and you have to, like, let go of that, because the only person that's affecting you is yourself. Because healing doesn't have to do with confronting your parents or blaming them for things. It has to do with you going back and being able to repair it yourself. See things from a different light, let go of the things that never belong to you and be able to give the support to that inner child that needed, even though it didn't get it.
[00:13:40] Speaker B: Yeah. And so on the spiritual journey, you eventually learn to forgive your parents.
You begin to realize you've been projecting all of your anger and hostility onto other people.
[00:13:50] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:13:51] Speaker B: Instead of saying, I understand, I. I can look at it now and understand where it's coming from. From a deep wounding. I can, I can go inward now instead of just expressing it outward as hostility or you know, I'm going to get you before you get me feeling.
And then you learned that the only thing that you can control is how you react to that.
And that's a difficult process. And of course you're going to go through all these stages of grief as you're letting go of this core identity of yourself, which is, let's go back to the social labeling. Your parents always told you you're this, this or that when you, even if you didn't like the label, you identified with it. So when you let it go, you're going to go through grief.
It's a tricky cycle, isn't it?
[00:14:40] Speaker A: Well, and not only that, but then it also has different layers to it and that's what we forget because you can heal one layer. And I was naive enough when I started my spiritual healing journey that I thought that one layer took care of it all. And no, it doesn't.
[00:14:56] Speaker B: I think we all expected that. You know, all of a sudden it's going to be love and light and everything's just a bunch of bubbles of happiness.
[00:15:02] Speaker A: But it's like, it's interesting because when you first start going in your, the deepness of that layer and the pain is going to be a lot deeper because you never addressed it before.
So as you continue, each layer is not going to be as hard to process because now you have a deeper understanding of where it's coming from.
[00:15:23] Speaker B: And this goes back to what you said earlier. That doesn't mean that it goes away the first time. Yeah, it'll cycle back, but with a little less emotional punch every time because you've allowed yourself to take a clinical look at it.
[00:15:36] Speaker A: Yep.
All right. And then our next one is feeling unimportant to loved ones. That's the trigger.
And what you might still need to heal from is unavailable or self focused caregiver. An unavailable or self focused caregiver, which I can definitely relate to that.
This is really interesting.
I had huge self worth issues with this one and I can definitely completely align with this. And this was from my father. And I can actually talk about it now because I've healed it. But one of the things about my dad is when I was a baby, this is how interesting your memory traps things. When I was a baby, I was his pride and joy. He used to play soccer. He was really good where he traveled to different states. And I have all These pictures of him having me like, and holding me and like playing in different states and having all these pictures. And then I grew up. And when I grew up, I found out that I was not very good at soccer. And I put soccer as. That was the only way that we could connect. That was the only way I could make him feel proud of me. That was the only way I could be seen and loved. And that is like a lot because there's no way, like I was just not very good at sports, but however you got me in arts and I was all over.
But we just have. It's like.
Because that was the way my dad saw the world and that was what he was exposed to. So that was for me, he became very unavailable. Meaning because the. The what he enjoyed was something soccer. And I did not want to do that. So I started closing myself up and I was like, okay, he's just not available for me. Or without meaning to, I just thought, like, he's just more focused like on himself and it's just not me.
But vice versa. The same thing I felt about my mother because she was constantly busy and she was mentally never available.
So because of that, it. It creates a lot of issues later on in life and how they evolve is into like not loving yourself enough, not feeling worthy things. For example, in relationships, you know, past relationships are greatest teachers. And a lot of the times for me, at least I can speak is I did never love myself. So when I went into relationship, I so desperately wanted to be loved that it was too much. And I didn't see it at first. Of course that would break the relationship because who. Who wants to deal with someone that is so much to like even be able to be present emotionally to.
[00:18:26] Speaker B: Were you clingy? Is that what you said?
[00:18:27] Speaker A: I was clingy? I was over. Like I over expected I would throw fits over if I wasn't shown enough love. Like, it was just crazy. And now thinking about it, I would never date my old self.
[00:18:42] Speaker B: In fact, I would have.
[00:18:43] Speaker A: I should have had a warning label of just run, run away, don't come come close.
But I learned. I've learned. What's interesting is when I got married, I hadn't even started my spiritual journey or my healing.
And we. I met my husband at a very wounded state. And so was he.
And we started working on it and I started healing and he's working on himself, but he's doing it a lot slower. So even through that, he's very much mirrors a lot of those old pain sometimes. And we but now I have that mind to understand.
I know where he's coming from because I once felt that way. So instead of, like, me automatically lashing out and being triggered like I used to, I'm more understanding of this is where he's at so far. And I have to be. I have to understand that this is a growth part and we can't rush anyone to go there.
[00:19:37] Speaker B: And the old you would have been triggered by that?
[00:19:40] Speaker A: Oh, very much so, yeah.
[00:19:42] Speaker B: I had emotionally distant parents too. I grew up in a household where you just.
They didn't express emotions. So it was a constant tension in the air. And it almost would have been better if they'd had an argument.
[00:19:57] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:19:58] Speaker B: And because there was so much tied up in what they weren't saying to each other, that they were emotionally distanced, not only from themselves, but from the kids as well.
[00:20:07] Speaker A: And then you being so highly intuitive and sensitive to that.
[00:20:10] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. That was not a good mix for me.
[00:20:11] Speaker A: You just felt it to the core. Even though they didn't talk about it, you just felt it and you carried it clearly.
[00:20:18] Speaker B: Absolutely.
So emotionally unavailable.
That was a self fulfilling prophecy too, because it kind of goes with the abandonment too.
When your parents weren't available for you, you go, okay, well, I can't rely on anybody, so. So I can't rely. And you project it onto everyone else.
[00:20:41] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:20:42] Speaker B: A new person, you know, like going to college, you're meeting a whole. I'm meeting a whole new group of people, but I'm assessing them and going, I can't count on that one. I can't count on that one. You know, it's like you.
You're looking for all the potential flaws instead of all the potential possibilities.
[00:20:58] Speaker A: Yep. And not only that, but you're not opening up to a new experience of saying, that was my past. That's no longer who I am. Instead, you're using that to judge others and going with that and closing yourself up to experiences.
[00:21:12] Speaker B: Yeah, well, okay, well, we're bringing this up because we're telling you we're. We've survived some triggers that I know you're recognizing too, just to let you know it's normal.
Okay.
[00:21:23] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:24] Speaker B: So the next way you might get triggered is when people raise their voices or their tone of their voice or the looks on their faces.
And the reason that that might trigger you is because you might start. Still need to heal from unpredictable and scary caregiver caregivers.
[00:21:44] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:21:47] Speaker B: There was a look on my dad's face that it would be like it would actually make Me sick because it was so disingenuous.
I never saw him laugh ever. I never saw him smile.
But so I, you know, I tell people about my dad and how distant he is and then a friend would come to the house and he'd turn on the charm and he would not be that person to them and he would smile. And every time I saw his smile, it looked like a snake to me because I knew it was false.
[00:22:20] Speaker A: Ugh, that's the worst.
[00:22:23] Speaker B: So whenever I think about my dad's smile, which I almost never saw except in phony social situations, I am triggered by that thought.
Do you have anything like that?
[00:22:34] Speaker A: Oh, I had erased voices. My mom, whenever she got upset, her voice would rise up and it would just yell and it would overpower you. You couldn't speak anymore because of the fact that she would just get louder. And what's really crazy is that I discovered as I started growing, I had that. Because that's one of the things that it's like that double edged sword is you can't point a finger and say, oh, you did this. And you. And you were like this way to me and everything. Because we get so around that frequency.
We're gonna have it too. Not to that extent, but to a certain point. What I realized is anytime I had arguments in my relationship, especially personal relationships, my voice would automatically rise higher because I wasn't being heard. So because of that I wanted to be heard. And I thought that in order to be heard I needed to raise my voice higher.
So that was one of the things I have to come to terms with that I know, like now I'm like, I no longer do that. And it, to me it's such a waste of energy because it's brought in so many, like it's so negative that when there is. Because we, like when you're married, you're always going to have things that you don't agree with at times.
But I don't raise my voice. I rather just let it go and choose to disagree. Because we don't have to be, we don't have to be exactly on the same page. But because now I have the awareness of that was the old me and what I used to do and from where I got triggered that I've worked on it where I can be a change now instead of just repeating those patterns.
[00:24:18] Speaker B: You know, I'm looking at the terms here, the things that that might. Might need to heal from and Scary caregiver. Yeah. You know when you're a kid and your mom's Yelling at you consistently.
I think it's actually even scarier the other one, when they're unpredictable because you can't, you don't. It's. It's such a catch 22. It's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
[00:24:40] Speaker A: Yeah, well. And that's what it is. It's.
So how should I explain?
Okay, how do I soften. Explain this?
My mom was a true.
Like, she was so unpredictable because.
So one of the things I noticed is that whatever would affect her, she would have that same energy and would go off at us because we were able. Like she was able to go crazy with us, but not to the person that did it to her. So. Meaning if we went to the street and let's say, like she got in some argument where it wasn't and she was very upset, we would come home and she would just explode on us. It was like the most unpredictable.
Like, it could go from rage to happiness so fast that it was so unpredictable that I kind of got the same thing that you had where when she was like, supposedly happy, I was sitting back embracing myself because I'm like, how long is this gonna last before she goes into like full rage mode? Because she had. She couldn't have balance in her emotions.
[00:25:55] Speaker B: But that keeps you hyper vigilant.
[00:25:57] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:25:57] Speaker B: That's a lot for a kid to have to deal with. Or even a teenager.
[00:26:01] Speaker A: Yep. And it just. It kept getting worse and worse because as you get older, you're trying to like you, your body automatically starts rebelling more, and then it's almost like the moods become even faster.
[00:26:14] Speaker B: But I guess part of the healing is you recognizing that that was her coping skill. It was not a good coping skill, but it was her coping skill.
[00:26:21] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:26:22] Speaker B: So that's what we're talking about. Standing back and taking another look from a different perspective at things to help you with the triggers.
Okay, what's the next one?
[00:26:32] Speaker A: The next one is loud noises, sensory overwhelm.
And you might need to heal from chaotic environments.
[00:26:44] Speaker B: Well, that you kind of gave us an example of something that's chaotic because it wasn't predictable. But I mean, granted I have triggers I have, but my parents were.
It was not a chaotic environment. It was a tension filled environment, but it was not chaotic. So I got a break from that. I can't imagine. Can you imagine growing up in a chaotic environment where it's like constantly, like everything's on edge all the time?
Whether that's got to do with money or Mental health or whatever it may be.
These are people living in an environment which is kind of like, you know, like living in a battle zone constantly.
[00:27:26] Speaker A: So let me tell you about chaotic environments.
So I grew up in a very small town in Mexico. And there, because it was a very small town, people thought that in order to make your point, especially growing up, because I'm sure that a lot of these kids had the same upbringing as me from people that were very hurt, they would solve their issues by fighting, by physical fighting at that.
A lot of the times these environments have become so hostile that talk about chaotic environments.
I had to learn how to bring myself back into my body because my self defense mechanism was to exit my body when I was going through those chaotic environments.
[00:28:12] Speaker B: Wow. That's what people do when they're going through some intense things.
[00:28:16] Speaker A: Yeah, so and we're talking about intense things. Like for example, a kid would attack me physically, will just try to like beat me up and I would check out and I would fight back. But at the same time my fighting back, I was so checked out that I didn't, I couldn't feel pain at all because I wasn't present.
And what's really crazy is I grew up there till the time I was 8. And then we moved to the US and talk about frequency that matches the frequency in the most chaotic way.
I move to Compton, California, which is known as like huge gang place and stuff. And then the same thing would happen there around. Except for this time was even more visual because there was a lot of gang activity. There was a lot of. For example, when I went to school, and this is elementary school, I came out of a small town. We needed to get our backs checked for weapons. When we went into school, when we were at recess, I was still a kid and like in my mind I was still a kid and I was still acting like a kid because I was only nine years old. So I wanted to play.
There were kids there that would break into gang fights and when they broke into gang fights, there was always security. We would, there would always be security interfering. I couldn't go to the restroom when I felt like it because if I went to the restroom when there was people the opposite of the people that like whatever, I would get beaten up in the restroom.
[00:29:46] Speaker B: So whoa, that is chaotic.
[00:29:47] Speaker A: That is like super chaotic. And that was so a lot of my thing and my healing had to do with bringing myself back into my body because for so long my coping mechanism was exit the body. Exit the body because I couldn't like really face what was going on.
And it's very crazy. And the only reason why I'm talking to people is that there is hope you are able to heal that. And it is very extreme. And a lot of the times, I think that some people are like, why would you know? Because they see you as, like, you're a lot more of yourself. You're a lot more healed. You're a lot more grounded, and they don't realize or something. They're like, no one can really relate to my pain because you haven't gone through. And yes, I have gone through that. And that's why when I. When I share a lot of my experiences, I share them now because I've healed, so they don't no longer affect me like they used to. But before, yes, I had to go to counseling. Yes, I had to.
There was a lot of things I needed to do to heal that, because that's not something that can just go away overnight.
[00:30:50] Speaker B: And I think that's wonderful that you're an example of how you can heal.
People need to know that. And when you talk about checking out like that, mentally, I'm thinking about women who are violated. That's what they do.
So these triggers are here for a reason.
They were our way to sense. Even in the present moment, there's potential danger.
I can see why they happen.
[00:31:18] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:31:18] Speaker B: It's just a matter of you recognizing that you're in. In the present moment. You're actually not reliving the past.
[00:31:25] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:31:25] Speaker B: But that's really hard when you've been through something like you're describing.
Okay. So another trigger you might have would be if you get triggered by authority or being told what to do.
And that means you might still need to heal from being controlled and that you didn't have a voice.
[00:31:45] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:31:49] Speaker B: I've always had a problem with authority.
I'm not a good employee because I see all of the things they're doing wrong. And I would always become the advocate in the place.
You know, I would point. Remember elephants in living rooms?
[00:32:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:32:06] Speaker B: I would.
I was very sneaky because I'm very smart. Little Gemini. But I would find ways to bring up the problems so that, you know, they're trying to ignore them. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna make sure they know they're there. I remember. Oh, my goodness. One time we had this huge corporate meeting, and this is in Seattle, and they rented out the public space in the library. The library is huge. Okay. So it was like this big pep rally, like, a new corporation had Bought our company. And they're, you know, talking about talking themselves up. And, you know, and they were so excited to have you here.
And I did. I did. There were two. Two different meetings where I did something.
The first one was where they were doing the pep rally.
They just bought us, you know, they're so excited. And the guy said, you're the.
[00:32:59] Speaker A: You.
[00:32:59] Speaker B: You know, the workers are the most important thing, you know, in our company.
So I raised my hand and I said, don't you have stockholders?
[00:33:15] Speaker A: Oh, man.
[00:33:16] Speaker B: I said, wouldn't they be the most important people?
[00:33:21] Speaker A: I'm sure they love that, too.
[00:33:22] Speaker B: And then the second one, they did not like me going to those corporate meetings. And then the second one was later on where they were showing graphs, like a quarter, like, happened whatever in the quarter or whatever. And they glossed over one that had some low numbers on it. And they talked about something at the top of the page, but not what was on the bottom. And so they. They moved to another page, and I raised my hand. They go, what was that on the other side under the page? I want. I didn't catch it all.
And so they had to talk about the low numbers there. And when I got back to my desk, someone. Someone sent me a message. Go, you're my hero.
So I've got this authority problem. Yes, I do. And so my trigger would have been being controlled and not having a voice. I did not have a voice.
I did not have a voice growing up at all. They shut me down all the time because they didn't like what I was saying.
[00:34:12] Speaker A: Yeah, see, that was like, me too. But I felt like with me, it was more like, I'm the adult, you cannot talk back to me, and you're being disrespectful. Even though, like, there was never respect exchange at all because you were disrespected to begin with. But it was just so crazy. Like, I sometimes feel maybe that's why.
That's one energy that I just really cannot. Don't have a lot of patience for, is being controlled because of the fact that it was so much in my life, my entire life. So I think what we're exposed to, the more usually we get, the triggers are like, a little bit more like, no, I don't. We're not going back to that. Thank you.
[00:34:57] Speaker B: Yeah. So anyway, there, I, I. That's still a challenge for me. I've gotten a lot better about it, but I. I don't do well with authority figures that I still don't.
If they. If they earn My respect. Yes. That's fine. But if they. If they haven't learned, earned my respect, that. That little sneaky Gemini comes out.
[00:35:20] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:35:21] Speaker B: It still does.
[00:35:22] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:35:23] Speaker B: Okay, so what's the next trigger?
[00:35:24] Speaker A: Next one is not feeling worthy or good enough.
And what you might still be healing from is how to perform to earn love.
[00:35:35] Speaker B: Yep. Love has consequences.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: Yep.
Or my.
My. My mom, specifically, because I was the one that I spent the most time with, was she would give you praise only.
Like, it was such a conditional love only if you did what she told you. She would give you praises, but it's like the moment you didn't, it was just like you were just brought down completely.
[00:35:59] Speaker B: I think we almost all grow up feeling that there's got to be some kind of catch.
[00:36:04] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:36:04] Speaker B: To getting love.
I think this one is very, very relatable, probably to everybody in the audience.
[00:36:10] Speaker A: And so here's one thing, too, that how that transfers too, that I. The reason why, as I cleared it, I realized, too, this is also really big as there's got to be a catch because you feel you're feeling unworthy or not good enough. That there's got to be a catch to you living an actual life you enjoy.
Because it transfers like that. That snowball effect transfers into social things of not being worthy and not feeling good enough. And it has nothing to do with the outside. It has to do with you and how you feel. Feel in the inside when you haven't healed it yet. So, for example, you can't say, oh, I'm. I'm gonna get the life that I want, and I'm gonna be like, have this and have that when you feel unworthy, because you have to take care of your unworthiness so that. That way, that life can also present itself from a healed perspective.
And that is hard to do. I'm not saying it's easy, but that one is definitely shows up later in life as more things that you feel unworthy to receive.
[00:37:17] Speaker B: I think this one is the one that should be the top of the list. Personally, not feeling worthy that you had to perform to get love. I mean, that kind of goes back to you with the soccer playing analogy.
I feel it. You know, it's when parents put pressure on kids to get good grades or be the best musician. Like, you're not good enough if you're second chair.
[00:37:41] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:37:42] Speaker B: You know, and sports, things like that.
Even being home. You know, you say that, you say the wrong words, so then you get shut down. You know, like we were talking about the reason my Sister was the good girl. Was because she just stopped talking.
[00:38:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:38:01] Speaker B: So that was her strategy. She became an ostrich, but she developed an ulcer at the age of 14.
[00:38:08] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:38:09] Speaker B: So I think. And then.
Yeah, I just think this is a trigger everybody has. And it's hard to work through it is because it feels so unfair. I mean, you know, source says you're worthy of being here on Earth, and then the conditioning tells you you're not.
[00:38:29] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:38:30] Speaker B: You know.
Okay. So another one would be worrying that someone is upset at you. And that meant you probably had a harsh or punitive caregiver that you're still healing from.
Okay. Worrying that someone's upset at you. My, I, I can't say I had that growing up because one thing I can tell about my parents is that because they're passive aggressive, it was more tension filled than anything else. So I never had to deal with, with like parents who intentionally hurt me.
But you had some harsh punishment, didn't you?
[00:39:09] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
Well, because for me, again, go back to a place where everything was fixed with violence. They thought educating was also like whipping you and things like that. And it's really weird because I remember so many times being so intuitive that I could tune into like after.
So my dad had to be the one that's supposed to do the that part of it. And he always felt so bad about it because here he was working his whole day, coming home, being exhausted, and then there was my mom telling him, oh, you need to, you need to teach him a lesson because he did this or he did that or he did whatever.
And it's almost like he wanted to just be at peace and enjoy his family. And then he would jump into doing things he didn't feel too proud of. And I could feel the hurt he would feel after, like things were done. And that's why it was so weird because I felt like I constantly live in a society where it's supposed to function a certain way, but yet it was so dysfunctional that I could see the dysfunction through it from a frequency standpoint and see how much it was affecting even the people. And my dad passed, but as soon as he passed, he came right back because he goes, I'm going to show you how to heal. And I'm going to show you how to heal what I caused to you. So that, that way you can see it from a different perspective. And he showed me everything. He showed me how he felt about it, where he was at, how it was. And he showed me so many times when he would Go on his own. And he would be crying about it because he just didn't want to do it in the first place. It's almost like society kept telling him, this is the way you're going to do it, or if you don't do this, that you're not going to have good kids later on.
[00:40:58] Speaker B: Probably how he was raised by his parents.
[00:40:59] Speaker A: Exactly. He was just following a pattern. And that's another thing he told me, too, except for usually how they punished them or how they took care of. It was even harsher back then. Like, my dad would just. Yes, he would whip us. But, like, I mean, back then, it was just anything they grab in sight, they would hit their kids with. So it was just crazy.
[00:41:21] Speaker B: I want to go back to this from a different perspective, and it goes back to my sense of humor.
Like, at the meetings.
Geminis love sarcasm.
We love humor, and we think sarcasm is hysterical. But I've met certain people where I say something sarcastic, where 80% of people would crack up and 20% shrivel up and cry because they think I'm doing this.
They think I'm being harsh to them.
[00:41:55] Speaker A: Oh, yes.
[00:41:56] Speaker B: They don't see the humor in what I just said or the cynicism or the, you know, sarcasm.
[00:42:00] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:42:01] Speaker B: So I have dealt with this from a different perspective, where it's like, absolutely no intention to hurt anybody. But they took it that way.
[00:42:08] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:42:08] Speaker B: And now I see that they probably had this kind of trigger.
[00:42:11] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:42:13] Speaker B: Okay, what's next?
[00:42:14] Speaker A: Feeling like you're a burden and you might be so healing from. Is your.
Your needs were ignored or shamed. Oh, man, that was.
[00:42:26] Speaker B: I think we both had the combo.
[00:42:28] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:42:29] Speaker B: It's interesting because when you're new on the spiritual path, and you were, and a lot of people in the audience are, and I certainly was.
You go to psychics that, you know, sometimes they're intuitives at first at fairs, and you get a reading.
Almost every psychic I've ever been to said, wow, you were really ignored as a child, weren't you? You were neglected.
And so my physical needs were met.
[00:42:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:42:53] Speaker B: But I was definitely emotionally and intellectually neglected.
[00:42:57] Speaker A: And see, that's another thing, too, My parents thought, and they would always even bring it up, too. They didn't just think they would bring it up verbally, that, well, you have a place to stay, you're being fed, like, that's all you need. And no, that was not all I needed. I definitely needed love, and I needed to be made feel like I was important. But they just. That was just One of those things. And even though what's really interesting is I realized that those were such the patterns that they grew up with up till this day. If my mom talks about how she was growing up, she would ball her eyes out and cry. She cannot see that she did the same exact patterns that she was brought up with.
[00:43:40] Speaker B: I think a lot of parents don't see that.
[00:43:42] Speaker A: And it's so interesting to me because I'm like, how can you not see it? But I mean, to each their own. Obviously, I decide to end with that because I'm obviously different. And no, I don't have kids, but yet I do have a stepdaughter. And the one thing that I said to myself ever since I met my stepdaughter is I'm going to approach her because. Well, so first of all, she was pretty much an adult. She was 18 when I first got. She started living with us for a few years.
And I said, I am going to just let her be and respect her and come to her from more of a not so much apparent way, but more like, do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? Typed in and explained to her, and me and her are really good friends, and we've established a really good connection because she knows where I'm at and she knows the person that I am. And she never received that respect or that acknowledgment from her own mother. So it was really crazy. And even though as she grew, I was hoping that she would be able to heal some of that for herself, but she wasn't able to.
And there's still a lot of things that happen where the mom.
[00:44:52] Speaker B: Her.
[00:44:52] Speaker A: Her birth mom really will do some things that really hurt her. And I kind of. The only thing I can do is kind of explain to her how I was really hurt. But we have a choice on how we look at it. And healing is definitely a choice, but it's just a long process that takes a lot.
[00:45:13] Speaker B: And I don't even think we have to go into a lot of discussion about shame, because that's the way we are controlled as a child.
[00:45:21] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:45:21] Speaker B: All of us are controlled through shame.
[00:45:24] Speaker A: Well, that. And then, I mean, you have the religious programming that there's tons of shame. You have the social programming that is like, it'll put you into shame if you're not doing what they want you to do.
You have the school system. Well, shame you if you're not getting the good grades. If you're not doing this, you're not doing that.
[00:45:43] Speaker B: So, yeah, my Grandmother was a teacher. Boy, did she shame me in personal life.
Okay, so another trigger that you might want to reflect upon would be feeling like you're spending money on yourself.
And that means you might still be healing from poverty and being raised by scarcity mindsets.
I think this hits home from almost everybody too.
[00:46:09] Speaker A: Oh yes, definitely.
[00:46:12] Speaker B: I remember talking about feeling unworthy.
[00:46:15] Speaker A: This was huge. And then the feeling of unworthiness.
The one thing that I really want to point out is how there's a lot of them that connect because a lot of triggers that connect and a lot of wounds of that connect because they're very interconnected because one thing leads to another thing and they just kind of connect. So this is where the multi layering of healing happens is because it's not just one specific thing, it's layered into other things and as well.
[00:46:45] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think almost everybody can remember at least one argument with. With their parents arguing over money.
[00:46:51] Speaker A: Oh, yes.
[00:46:52] Speaker B: And my dad was a carpenter. And not only was he carpenter, he. He. He would buy land, build a house and then sell it.
So there were times we didn't have money when he was in the process of building a house or wait, oh, he finished it and we're waiting for it to sell.
[00:47:11] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:47:12] Speaker B: So I know we went through that because. And anybody who has seasonal work like that knows what that's like to.
[00:47:19] Speaker A: Yep. Then the last one on the list is feeling dismissed or invalidated.
And what you might still need to heal from is not allowed to have or show emotions.
[00:47:35] Speaker B: That's probably what my sister ended up with because she literally shut herself down.
Like I said, didn't talk, didn't cause trouble. That's why they thought she was the good one and then had her ulcer.
So feeling dismissed or invalidated. Yeah, she probably got that a lot. Probably also because of me, because I was going through my own dealing with triggers like abandonment and shame and all that. That I was actually very critical of her.
So I don't think she wanted to be around me at all as a teenager for sure.
[00:48:10] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:48:11] Speaker B: So I can see where I contributed to that.
But that's it. That's part of the healing. As you know, in the spiritual path is starting not only to recognize what caused your triggers, but to see maybe how did I cause triggers in others.
[00:48:26] Speaker A: Yep.
Or if you're willing to step up and say, I'm going to take ownership of this trigger and I'm going to heal it so that I don't repeat the same pattern.
Because the unfortunate part is if we don't heal it, we're bound to repeat it.
[00:48:44] Speaker B: Well, and that's the perfect segue because we called the episode transcending trauma. Right. So we just talked about. Sorry, Transcending triggers.
So we just talked about some of the most common triggers. And I'm sure you could relate to a good portion of them on this list.
So I asked, well, once we're.
How, how do we work with them once we're aware of them like this?
And so the number one thing for healing is what I just said. Becoming aware of them, not denying them, not pushing them away.
Maybe even like what, I just had an aha moment where I went, yeah, I caused a lot of triggers as well as experienced them too.
So what's recommended is to try to pause and take notice. So kind of like being the observer. Right. And to say to yourself, this reaction feels bigger than the moment. That's a good phrase, isn't it?
And a simple practice is simply to take three slow breaths before you respond to a trigger. Easier said than done when you're triggered. Yes, but I guess you could kind of practice that beforehand, couldn't you?
[00:49:50] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:49:51] Speaker B: Even if it's a mild trigger.
[00:49:52] Speaker A: Go.
[00:49:52] Speaker B: Okay, let me, let me just practice the three breaths and remind myself that this feels bigger than it actually is in the present.
Okay. So another technique that's recommended is to try to identify the original wound, which is why we're sharing our experiences with you right here.
So you might want to ask yourself when you're triggered, when have I felt this before?
And honestly, on the spiritual path, you might start at one level and then go deeper and deeper and deeper and realize, oh, it was much, much rooted, rooted much earlier in my childhood than I expected.
But start with whatever you're perceiving and go from there. I know you've done that a lot, right?
[00:50:36] Speaker A: Oh, yes, I've done a lot of dissecting and a lot of. I had a lot of moments where in order to truly have forgiveness for myself and forgiveness for others, I had to stand on both parts. So I had to first feel what my inner child felt and acknowledge that and forgave myself for holding on to those emotions. Then I have to step into the parents role on why it was done and what was followed as a pattern in order to be able to understand and forgive those that did it. And then finally just let it go. And when you let it go, you can't.
It's like when you're holding on to things, it's a double edged sword because even though it doesn't matter who wrong you or how bad they did to you, because if you're holding on to, you're going to get cut at the end.
[00:51:29] Speaker B: Okay. So like we said, if you can, you know, try to feel into it, try to look at it from an outsider's perspective and ask when you felt this before. And another thing to ask yourself is, does this feeling belong to the present situation or is it the past?
[00:51:44] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:51:45] Speaker B: Okay. And so what's recommended is journaling, which Emeril does. Yes. And self reflection. So another way to help yourself is to learn to regulate your nervous system.
Because triggers are body reactions, they're not just thoughts.
[00:52:04] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:52:05] Speaker B: Because the body does. It just goes into.
Tightens up, doesn't it?
[00:52:08] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:52:09] Speaker B: Yeah. So what, what's recommended is breathing exercises.
Yes. So breath work. Learn some techniques. The one we always recommend because it's simple to remember when you're triggered, is to breathe in for four seconds and breathe out longer than four seconds. So it's usually four seconds. Then maybe breathe out for about seven. But if you can't remember the numbers, just remember, breathe out longer than I breathed in.
[00:52:35] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:52:36] Speaker B: Okay. And I know you did that when you had like a panic attack in a car when you were young.
[00:52:40] Speaker A: It will really help you to switch from starting to get a panic attack to not.
[00:52:46] Speaker B: Yeah. And because this is a body reaction. Grounding. He mentioned that earlier in the episode Ground yourself. You know, get out in nature, walk on the grass if you can. Focus on, you know, making your feet feel heavy if you're indoors. You know, one of my favorite grounding exercises is to matt. Imagine that you're sitting at a spa where they have those expensive mud treatments, and you put your feet in the mud and then you let the mud go rising up your body.
That works for me. But there's all kinds of grounding techniques. Touch a tree if you can. Right.
Anything that you recommend for grounding, I
[00:53:24] Speaker A: like to just do barefoot. Like I feel the ground. With your actual bare feet, you can still ground with shoes. But just like when you get home, take off your shoes. Shoes. Take off your socks. And just really feel into the earth because it feels like the grounding just feels deeper.
[00:53:40] Speaker B: And if you're not outside, that still works.
Just imagine the earth coming up to meet your feet.
Also, if you can. Now this is just common sense. Step away before you react. I mean, you don't even have to be woo woo to understand that one. Right.
And then another technique is to show compassion toward the wounded part of yourself so you can Frame the situation as the triggered reaction is usually protecting a younger version of you, which it is.
So approaches would be inner child work. We did some inner child work at our drum circle this week.
Try to look at things from a child's perspective and soothe that inner child.
Find self soothing practices. Like we found out, even something as simple as watching your favorite show from when you were a kid or holding onto a plush toy, looking at pictures of yourself, happy, things like that. So get in touch with finding ways to soothe yourself. Me, it would be like as a kid I would want to get color crayons out and acknowledge your unmet needs. It's okay to say that like, like you said, you know, certain emotional needs were not met by your parents. So. And instead of trying to deny that that's the case, another technique would be using tools like divination tools like, like my tarot cards.
Tarot helps people see repeating emotional patterns. It can show you relationship dynamics. It shows you what's going on in your subconscious and what's motivating you.
So you can use that to help help you see better. You can use Oracle cards. You could use pendulums. You can use whatever you like. You can read TE leaves. But sometimes that offers some help too.
And so one of the things that's important to remember is that triggers are not proof that you're broken.
Okay. It's just proof that something needs to be looked at.
Okay.
So they are signals showing us where healing is needed.
And you could ask yourself what situation in your life keeps triggering the same emotional reactions and address that now before the trigger hits you. Does that make sense?
Because questions often point directly toward the place where, where the growth is happening.
So take a look at, take a look at them. Don't, don't push them aside.
Anything you want to say about that?
[00:56:22] Speaker A: No, I think those are great practices. I think that.
I just feel that sometimes when we're triggers, we do become our worst enemies. Meaning, like we're the harshest to ourselves. We, we go back. Instead of seeing it with different eyes, we kind of sometimes go back to dealing with it, the same energy that we've always done on. And I think that's what we forget, that the trigger is coming up because that pattern needs to be broken. It needs to be healed so that, that way we can react a little bit different. But sometimes it takes practices before we can do that too. So don't have such a high expectation that, oh, like, I shouldn't get triggered or what the heck, I've done this.
[00:57:08] Speaker B: You've done all the spiritual work I do want to offer in the last few minutes a couple mantras because we were talking about how do we transcend the triggers.
So there's a grounding mantra and it would be this feeling is real, but it is not the whole story.
There's a nervous system mantra that's been suggested which is I can pause, I can breathe, I can choose my response.
There's a pattern breaking mantra which is I am free to respond differently this time. That's a good one, isn't it?
An inner child compassion mantra is the part of me that was hurt deserves patience and care.
A perspective mantra. Awareness transforms reaction into understanding.
A relationship healing mantra.
Not every disagreement is a threat to love.
And then one general one, I am safe in this moment.
[00:58:12] Speaker A: That's a good one.
[00:58:13] Speaker B: Yes.
So you can transcend those triggers. I would recommend if you want to re listen to those mantras and write them down to do so and practice the ones you like the best.
And in the meantime, you are not alone, you're just. Just healing the past.
[00:58:29] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:58:30] Speaker B: And we want to give you credit for how far you've come and we want to give a shout out to Bruce for fixing our audio every week. Thank you for. Mixed by Bruce.
[00:58:38] Speaker A: Yes, thank you, Bruce.
[00:58:39] Speaker B: And we will see you in a week.
[00:58:41] Speaker A: Thank you for listening in. Don't forget to share.
[00:58:43] Speaker B: Bye.
