PROCESSING GRIEF

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Welcome to Woowooville, the next stop on your spiritual journey, hosted by two fellow travelers who found a soul connection on the path to higher consciousness. Our goal is to help you navigate the choppy waters you're likely to encounter on the spiritual path by sharing our experiences with you each week. Join us as we spill the tea on what it's like to wake up to your authentic self. Hello, my name is Ameril and I'm here with. [00:00:31] Speaker B: I am Lola Singer, and we have a special episode today because it's very timely in the life of our dear friend Amaral. Would you like to tell the people a little bit about what's going on? [00:00:44] Speaker A: Yes. So today's episode, it's called Processing Grieving. [00:00:51] Speaker B: So. [00:00:52] Speaker A: So I had just recently, my father in law passed. Father in law passed away. And it really got me to go within because my dad passed away too, in the way it all happened and stuff. It really got me to learn how to hold space. Space, as well as become the observer. And also it brought up so much things in mirror to me. So we thought this will be great because with grieving, it's not just about when somebody passes. It's also we grieve a lot for the old version of ourselves. And now that everyone's shifting so much because of the energies and we're moving along so fast, we are in that grieving cycle ourselves of leaving behind the old versions of ourselves and stepping into the new versions of ourselves. [00:01:52] Speaker B: Yeah. So just to make that clear, what we're going to be planning to address is not only the physical loss of a person, but the psychological, emotional, mental loss of who you are. As you go along the spiritual path and you stepping into your authenticity, you're still saying goodbye to parts of you that you know very well and you will miss and love. [00:02:20] Speaker A: Exactly. So starting out, I searched what is the best definition of grief. So it says the most widely accepted definition of grief is a natural and normal emotional response to loss or change. It encompasses a range of feelings, including sadness, anger, guilt and despair, and can also include physical symptoms like difficulty sleeping and changes in appetite. Grief is often associated with the death of a loved one, but it can also result from other significant losses or changes in life. I found that description to be quite to the point, but also just going through it, because I think we're trying to go into both the definition and then the experience that we have both experienced. Lola herself has experienced grieving in her life, so. And I don't. I don't see how anybody hasn't and even if they haven't yet, eventually they will. So we thought, what greater way than to provide information? Again, we're not claiming we know it all. We can only share from our experiences and try to help others to understand this process. [00:03:37] Speaker B: And I think when you're on the spiritual path, which is what this podcast is about, you're looking at death in a different way. As far as grieving for a death, because you have a greater awareness of the whole and that energy transforms. So when someone in your family passes away, you're looking at it from a different set of eyes than some of the other family members who are like, this is the end. We're going to miss the, you know, and when you're on the spiritual path, you. You have this innate understanding that, yeah, the personality is gone, but the energy and the lessons that this person learned in this lifetime is coming back and expanding. Yes, it might be someone completely different in a different part of the world that they reincarnate as, but it's difficult too, because we can't express that to people who are so deep in their grief. It's all we can do is like, like hold space for them and understand that, okay, I get it, that there's this energy is going to move forward. I also see that they don't get it and they are truly, truly mourning. And I think that's the unique perspective you find yourself in today, isn't it? [00:04:57] Speaker A: Yes. So just a breathing on with my father in law. He went into the hospital on Thursday night and I was on vacation. And that Friday morning I got back from my vacation and they were in the hospital and he suffered from terminal cancer. And it was kind of like the last stage part because the cancer had spread to his head. And usually when that happens, it's only a matter of time. So the family was in a way expecting it to happen. They just didn't realize it was going to come so often because the doctor had told them that. [00:05:38] Speaker B: You mean soon? [00:05:39] Speaker A: Soon? Yeah, that with the treatment in my extended a few years. So when I went into the hospital, I noticed again, part of us knowing that higher aspect of what death really is. They were pretty much obviously going through grieving and there were suffering and there was this whole emotional thing. And we as spiritual people, we know that there are certain energies that are not the best for us. Meaning, like when you go to the hospital, it's very heavy, dense energy. So in order for me to hold space, which I did, what I did is I just quieted down. I didn't give him anything as far as like talk to them. I just kind of gave everyone a hug, a big deep hug and gave him my condolences. But then while I was there, it was really interesting because it almost seems like somebody had put a pause and everyone was super quiet. And as soon as I focus on just putting this golden thread around my heart and their heart and just sending them reiki energy loving energy, they're supported. It almost seems like somebody pressed play and then people started talking and started relaxing. And I think that one thing that we need to understand about energy, when energy is truly genuine energy is truly being used to be there for others. It can be really powerful and can create shift, like big shifts that you see right away. So after that happened, I also knew that part of me being there for people, I asked myself, how can I better be there for them? Meaning I can't really be in this hospital because this is going to drain me. But what if they have things to do outside of this hospital that I can help them with, to volunteer with? So as soon as I asked my sister in law, she said we left all of a sudden. It was like an emergency because he needed to go to the hospital. So we left a lot of food out. So it's probably rotten. When we come back, we're gonna have to like right away like a dress with people coming in. So it'd be really helpful if you could please help us clean the kitchen. Which I had no problems. I cleaned the kitchen. They hadn't watered the plants. I watered the plants and it made me feel good because it was my extension to something that I was okay doing and that I know it was going to help them out because we get so caught up in when we read the energy of the room. Like for example, if it's unsuffering, we know that's a lower vibration. And again, everyone's, everyone needs to go through their own process. But what I thought is how can I be of best help without me going down with them? And one of the things I've learned now is that I can feel when my energy is dropping, like meaning it's going to low vibration. So I shifted right away. So I just came with more of like something that would work. And it worked out pretty good because they were really grateful for it. One of the things that was really interesting is as soon as I got done finishing cleaning, I could feel that the house itself because I mean, my father in law had been sick for a while and that creates very dense energy in the area. So I Didn't took it upon myself. What I did is I called my sister in law and I said, hey, would you mind if I do some energy clearing on the house? Because it feels really dense. And she said, oh, no problem, no one's there, so you're free to just like go through. And I did that and it just felt so much better. Like it just, it needed to be cleared out. But that's how I felt at that moment was the right thing to do. And then when he did pass, I went back to the hospital and this was more like for just a little bit because they had already he passed like around midnight on Sunday. And so it was that time to just kind of get things moving with the family. As far as like I do have to give them praise for something they did, which I thought it was amazing, is they each respected a time for each one to come and have a private time with him and just say their goodbyes before he passed. So that's really healing because there's so many times that people end up not being able to express what they want to say and when they don't do that, they hold that within them and that takes like, it's just another step that they have to go through the grieving process. So I do have to acknowledge that, that they did like so well on that. And I realized that sometimes we think that because being spiritual people and having this intuition, sometimes holding space is the best, best thing you can do. And sometimes when we don't have that discernment of when to be quiet and just listen to ourselves and just more be guided by what it truly means to hold space for others, that's more empowering and more really showing that you're respecting others and that you're caring for them as well. Not everything has to be address meaning. There's times and there's places and you kind of have to read in the room. Obviously if anyone would have come up to me and asked me, hey, can you help me? I'm having issues with this, I would have probably then I could move it or shift it a little bit to cater to them. But until that, if that's not asked out of you, you shouldn't be thinking that you can just jump in and interfere with their grieving process. [00:11:44] Speaker B: I think when you're a little bit of an outsider, which you are married into the family, that it actually feels like a responsibility. And I'm not saying like I don't feel like an indebted responsibility. I feel like it's a responsibility. You choose to be the person who holds space. [00:12:03] Speaker A: Yes. [00:12:04] Speaker B: Because they need a sense that there's some kind of stability there as they go through the process. And I actually felt like I was holding space a lot when the member of our drumming circle met with a violent death. [00:12:22] Speaker A: Yes. [00:12:23] Speaker B: And people were contacting me because I had posted. Well, how do I say this? Someone reached out to me and asked me to post it. And so I created a. I think it was a very respectful announcement about what happened. But because I had posted it, people from even outside the circle were contacting me. So I realized then that, oh, wow, it is my responsibility as the leader of this drum circle to hold space for all these people. Whether they're contacting me directly or not, I am. I am responsible for the container. So I had strangers contacting me and texting me or talk, and people from the circle called me, you know, upset, and I talked to them. So I think we kind of fall into it naturally. We know not to interfere with, like. Like your family being Catholic. You're not going to interfere with their choices, how they're working with their father. But you can observe it, hold space and be there if somebody, like what happened with me reaches out. You know, of course you're going to reciprocate. Of course you're going to listen to them. Of course you're going to give them whatever insights you can. But, yeah, the holding space, I think, is probably something where most of us on the spiritual path, when we're dealing with the death of a family member who may not. Whose family may not see the bigger picture like we do, I think that's one of the most important jobs we can have. Actually. [00:14:01] Speaker A: The other thing, too, that was really interesting is how it started mirroring me into when I went through the grieving with my own dad. Meaning one of the things that happened is my dad passed in 2016, so this was way before I started my spiritual awakening. So I got to deal with the loss in a way of not really like a spiritual person, meaning seeing the other side of things or seeing the bigger picture, I guess, in. Because. Well, I'll tell you the story because it's really interesting how it happened, because even though I wasn't. I could say I wasn't really spiritual, I. I was a lot more spiritual than I ever thought I was. So my dad passed away in a work accident. He was hit by a train while driving a work truck. And it happened all of a sudden. He died instantly. So he didn't suffer. I was at work. It was A Tuesday evening, and there was a call, and all of a sudden my boss says, there's a private call for you, and it's really important. Please answer it in the office so you have privacy. And I said, okay. So I go in, and I'm told that by a relative that my dad has been in an accident involving a train. But they don't know exactly what had happened. And to just come out of work and go straight to my mom's house because she didn't know anything and just kind of to be there by her side. Well, as soon as I get to my car, I turn on the car, and the first song that comes on is a song that says, when I'm no longer on this world, I want you to remember me as. So I already knew that he had passed, but there was that denial part of me that didn't want to accept it. So I went over, and I don't even remember driving there. I literally. It was such an autopilot part. And then I had to be the one to be there for my mother. So I shoved my own feelings down, down to hold space for her. But then at the same time, I didn't grieve. And as soon as we got the news, I was the one that had to tell pretty much all my three brothers, except for one that was already at the accident. He already knew what had happened, so I was the one that had to notify them. And I shoved all those feelings down, and I couldn't face them. I didn't want to cry in front of them because they were already doing that. And I thought I would be a burden if I did. So I did the worst thing you could possibly do, which is just to not face it. And there was only one time that I cried. And I cried when I drove from my mom's house to my house, and that was 45 minutes. And then after that, I did cry when I was in my room, but it was. It was, like, very suppressed because I. I hadn't been shown skills of how to deal with emotions. So it took me about two years to finally face the grieving process because I hadn't grieved for my dad. And once I started really, like, going into my spiritual journey, my dad did come to me and connected with me and helped me with so many things. So it's got me to see the other side, the side that, like Lola said, sometimes when you grow up with religious programming, you think it's like, the end, like, that death is like. But we know even in, like, Terms, energy cannot be destroyed. It just transforms. Also, we also know that the reason why it's so hard for us is because we put in motion, we have loved ones that it's not like an object we lose. It's someone that we care for dearly. [00:17:53] Speaker B: Yeah. And I'd like to interject and say, even when you know that the energy transforms, even if we feel that spirit spiritually, you know that mentally, you know that emotionally, you know that it still hurts. [00:18:06] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:06] Speaker B: So you're still going to grieve the loss of someone you love no matter where you're at on your spiritual journey. [00:18:14] Speaker A: Yep. That's very true. And the only reason why I brought up that, because it was like, almost like my husband lost his dad. And I thought, how can I be there for him? How can I be the person that wasn't? Maybe it wasn't there for me, but it's not that it wasn't there for me. It's just that I closed. I didn't allow anyone to come in. And I remember my husband reaching out so much to me and being like, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it? And I was like, no, I'm fine. I just want to be, like, away from people, and I just want to be in the room and I want to be by myself. And. And then we have two complete different relationships. Like, my. My dad established a really good relationship with my husband. So my husband was really hurt when he passed because he did care for my dad. He loved my dad because my dad always like, kind of adopted him as another kid. And with my father in law, because of the way he grew up, he. We didn't have that relationship. It was very distant. We were respectful to one another, but we never grew on that bond. But it doesn't matter. I knew exactly what he was going through, the loss he was going through. So I knew how to hold space and I knew how to be respectful and I knew how to be an observer. And when I was able to do all those things and really take judgment out of the whole situation, because that's the thing about grieving. You can't tell anyone how to do it because that's their journey. [00:19:49] Speaker B: Or when to do it. [00:19:50] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. [00:19:52] Speaker B: Some people will. Well, meaning people will kind of think you should be over it by now, and there's no right or wrong way to do it. So my advice is, whenever I talk to someone who's going through a loss like that, or who's been grieving, even if it's been years and years, later, it's like, yeah, don't let other people tell you you should be done yet. Just because it always comes back. It gets revisited. There's triggers. You got triggered by something recently, too. And then also, another thing I think we haven't addressed yet is this loss is because we love something. And I think almost all of us can relate to the loss of a pet. [00:20:36] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:20:37] Speaker B: So even if you haven't lost a family member yet, you do know what grief is like. And the processes are. Processes are still very similar. And once again, I would not let anybody tell you, just because it's your cat, that you should be over it by now. [00:20:54] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:20:54] Speaker B: Or your horse, you know, or your pet iguana, whatever. [00:20:59] Speaker A: Well, in our pets. It's funny because I always look at my pets like they're part of my family. I can't see them away from, like, not being part of my family, but also, like, the connection with them is. It's such a deep way because they're there. They see you at your best, they see you at your worst, and it's like they just accept you for who you are. There's no mask. Not that you wear masks, but it's just in general, like, they just see the true who you are. And so the love grows so much, so different and so much deeper because it's like our pets rely on us and we choose to bring them into our lives, but also, like, there's that unconditional love they provide for us. So it's. It's just such an interesting thing with. Because, I mean, I lost the pet, and I was, like, so devastated, and this pet came back to me as the same form as a cat again. And I'm just so thankful. I think that part of the grieving, too, which is, I think our next thing that we're going to talk about is the benefits of grieving, too, because a lot of it is, like, breaking through those bounds, those barriers of facing the emotions about having gratitude for life, like, really, truly realizing that at any point that can happen to any of us, like, just like, crossing over and how to live a more fulfilled life or just enjoy life or see life in a different way. And I love what you came out. Like, what you found, Lola. [00:22:40] Speaker B: Yeah. I did a web search and I asked for, you know, to look at how. What the benefits are of grieving and physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So one of the things I had read about before, you know, before this episode came up, is that there's so many chemicals that are released in tears So I wanted to know what's in those tears, what benefits you? And what I found was that tears of grief contain higher concentrations of stress hormones like ACTH and leucine and kephalene, which is also a natural painkiller. So you're dealing. It's a way to deal with stress, to release those tears, and it lowers cortisol, which is the stress hormone, as far as I know. Right. It helps regulate your heart rate and your blood pressure as a result. So. So let those tears fall. And that's probably made it even harder for you because you were trying to be the strong older brother and you didn't let them fall. And you were probably holding on to a lot of stress as a result. Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system that leads to calming effects, and it restores balance after trauma. Well, that is trauma. Okay. Grief can weaken the immune system temporarily, so the body needs to recalibrate and strengthen afterwards. I think we can all relate to that. So the tears help with all of that. At an emotional level, it's all about catharsis. So grief forces us to acknowledge the loss, and it allows buried feelings to surface. And I think that's something you touched upon, isn't it? [00:24:33] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:34] Speaker B: It grants us permission to feel. See, you weren't giving yourself permission to feel. And it teaches us emotional honesty. And I think that's a big one for people on the spiritual path. [00:24:46] Speaker A: It is huge. [00:24:47] Speaker B: To feel authentic with your emotions. Other thing, we talked about this too, like holding space, empathy for other people, trying to put yourself in their shoes so you can best support them. Right. It strengthens your community as a result. And there's a shared experience with humanity. So at a mental level, it can help you challenge your illusion of control. That sounds like it relates to your experience when your dad died, doesn't it? [00:25:21] Speaker A: Oh, yes. [00:25:23] Speaker B: And it can cause you to have existential questions which lead you to look. Looking for something beyond what you already believed. Right. Greater meaning to life. And it helps you to create a whole new narrative in your life because it's a new chapter. And then spiritually, it opens you up to the greater mysteries of life. We kind of talked about that, too. And then, like with your dad, also, it opens you up to the possibility of contact with your loved one. You could hear him clear audience, right? [00:26:02] Speaker A: Yes. [00:26:02] Speaker B: And then some people, there'll be synchronicities. You know, they'll smell the cigar smoke. You know, that the dad used to smoke the cigar or the. The rosy perfume. Grandma used to wear things like that. And oh, the other thing that actually didn't think about that, that's on here, which makes sense. There's a deeper connection to our ancestors through ritual with the ceremonies. [00:26:23] Speaker A: Yep. [00:26:24] Speaker B: And once again, it teaches us, like you said, to live fully in the moment. So it has a lot of benefits. It's hard to think that it does when you're going through it. And it can be so overwhelming. I honestly, I've wanted to talk about grief for a long time because I think it's something people say sweep under the carpet. Yes, but we need it. And it's a way to honor whoever or whatever has passed. But it's also like we were talking about here. It's a way to really step fully into our humanity, isn't it? [00:27:12] Speaker A: It is. It's a common bond that we get to experience, but also a bond where we can come together as community and realize how much we are more alike than not. In an emotional way, of course. [00:27:33] Speaker B: Yeah. Because it doesn't matter your creed, it doesn't matter your pigmentation. When someone knows somebody's had a loss and they're grieving, I mean, it doesn't. You don't care who gives you that hug. [00:27:48] Speaker A: Exactly. You know, and it was, it was so interesting that you bring out about the hugs because it's like, well, we can read energy and we can read how people are feeling. And so when I approached my, after my father in law had passed, when I approached my in laws, each one of them wanted a hug. And so when I hugged them, it wasn't just like a regular hug. It was like a tight hug of, you're not alone, you're loved. I'm sorry of what you're going through. I'm there for you if you need me. And it's like that hug that is so energetic that it doesn't need necessarily words, but it's like shows full support. And that was the thing that I noticed right away how, I mean, I like hugs, don't get me wrong. Like, I always give hugs, but it's like you can transmute so much with just a hug to someone too. So sometimes people aren't ready to talk, people aren't ready to share their feelings, but they're susceptible to opening up for a hug, for a true big hug that makes them feel better. It makes them know that you're there for them. [00:29:02] Speaker B: Yeah. You at least temporarily put your boundaries down and allow that sincere hug to come through. So we kind of talked about physical loss here. So let's go to talk about when you're on the spiritual path, that sense of identity loss, because that's a very natural part on the process. And I don't know, I mean, a lot of times I look back on who I used to be with embarrassment. But I also do look back on it with, with a lot of love for that spunky little rebel, you know, that little, she's a little bit of a malcontent and I kind of like that. You know, she liked to stir up the pot, you know, she doesn't, it's not, it's not me anymore. But yeah, I, I kind of miss that part of me that was the angry little punk rock girl, you know. [00:29:53] Speaker A: Well, and maybe that angry little punk rock girl. The only reason why it was really angry was because it wasn't feeling loved, it wasn't feeling validated, it wasn't feeling heard. [00:30:02] Speaker B: So yeah, check, check and check. But I guess the point being, no matter who you are, no matter how flawed you thought you were, or you might still think you are, or you kind of miss who you're used to be. [00:30:19] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:30:20] Speaker B: You know. [00:30:21] Speaker A: Well, and what's really crazy is like, which Lola knows and pretty much anyone that knows, that knows me knows I don't go subtle on releases. I go in like frickin gut wrenching ripped apart a version of myself that's no longer me. So when I first met Lola, and I'm sure that, I'm sure she still remembers, so when I started my spiritual journey, because you know, there's so much to heal and there's really, really big things that we heal. So the next day I would just be grieving so deeply that I didn't know what it was. All I knew is that I would just be crying and there was all the be this emotions of like letting go. And then the thing that people don't talk about is how your ego really jumps in because the ego doesn't want you to move and shift out. So it's like it almost adds to that fire, like. And so that's about like keeping your ego in check too. But it's so, it's so intense and when it comes and you don't realize where it's coming from, especially when you're starting out on your spiritual awakening journey, just know that after every big loss there's going to be some sort of grieving coming out of you and it's going to be very emotional and usually it can be physical too. And it's all part of that integrating process. So what I learned now that it really helps me is to just have moments of myself after big releases and really journal or be out there and just kind of like, really reflect on. On you and why, what you went through, what you lost, what that version of you feels like. Like, once you. You let go of it, like, how do you feel about that version, what it really taught you? But it's like, it's such a process, and when you miss steps, it really can, I guess, for lack of a better word, can really act up. [00:32:32] Speaker B: Well, I think part of it is there's like an empty hole for a little while. You've released a part of you that you had held on to, at least emotionally for so long. And once you decide, I'm not engaging in that behavior anymore or I'm forgiving everyone who was involved with that so I can move on. Whatever you do to cause this big shift, there's this moment of not knowing who you are at all. And I guess that's when the ego steps in and freaks out. But yeah. And so there's this point where you go, who am I? I don't know. So you've lost who you used to be. You don't know who you are yet. That's a very uncomfortable state. [00:33:17] Speaker A: It is. [00:33:19] Speaker B: It ultimately leads to something great, you know, once you integrate all that shifting. But there's like a limbo point, isn't there? [00:33:27] Speaker A: There is, especially what I found. And it does happen still, because I don't think there's such thing as someone that can say that they don't approach those parts of you. So we all know that as we shed, parts of ourselves are no longer aligned with us. We do a lot of this death and rebirth process. And what I learned is that there's versions of ourselves that can't be rescued. And to be specifically clear about that, what that means is that there's parts that we have encountered in our lives that they're so wounded that they're surfacing up for you to understand, to forgive yourself, to forget others, and to be let go. And that means you let go fully and pretty much, like, have that version of you kind of wither away. And it's not that you're not honoring it, it's just the fact that it's like the question gets asked of how. How much pain can a version of you go through before they can't come back from that there. But, see, here's where. The part that we don't see is that it's the lesson behind it that they cater to, that they brought to you that you should be grateful for, even though it might be really painful when you run into it. The true. It never happened to you. It happened for you and for me. It was so hard to understand that, to grasp that, to be like, I'm bawling my eyes out. I am, like, in this huge emotional pain. How could it possibly be good for me? But then, as Lola said, once you surface it out, once you forgive yourself, once you forgive those involved and you let it go, and then once you're integrated, it's like this huge weight you were carrying that you didn't even realize you were carrying until you let it go, comes off you, and you feel so much lighter. And of course, it's important, once we feel that hollowness, to fill it back up with love, because we know that if we just leave it empty, other things can get in. But nonetheless, it's such a sacred process, and it's something just like grieving from. For. For someone, that we all have different ways to go about it. Obviously, I'm letting you guys know what worked for me, which was journaling, which was nature, but they. Maybe that won't work for you. I always light up candles. I don't know what it is with me with lighting up candles and setting intention. [00:36:17] Speaker B: Well, you know, and expressing your emotions is the most important thing, you know, and whatever, however you can do it, you know, whether it's vocalizing or creating art or whatever, you. You do, you do. You don't let anybody tell you the right or wrong way to do that. Well, actually, no, I'm going to tell you the wrong way right now, because I just pulled that up on the Internet. So I just pulled up something that said things to avoid while grieving. And this is something we just talked about. Suppressing your feelings. [00:36:47] Speaker A: Oh, yes. I'm a part of that. [00:36:49] Speaker B: Do not suppress your feelings. They're legitimate. They're yours. And they are going to be passing. Yes. But experience them fully while they're there. That is how you process loss. So then. And feel the full range of emotions. According to this, it's including anger, fear, and guilt. And relief. Isn't that good? And relief. Now I forgot about the guilt. There's survivor's guilt on top of it. I know that feeling. Survivor's guilt. Okay. The other thing, another thing not to do. This would be my natural tendency. Do not isolate yourself. It says, reach out to friends, family, or support groups for emotional support. You know, we're kind of lucky that there are emotional support groups on Facebook, for example. That are somewhat anonymous, you know, so you can get support from people who've been through something you've been through. You know, like there's probably a support group for people whose parents died in accidents like your dad's. You know, who else is going to understand that trauma? So, yeah, Try not to isolate yourself if at all possible, when you're grieving. Another very important one. Do not neglect your health. So try to eat, try to get enough sleep, and if you can, some gentle movement. And this is the one we talked about earlier. Don't rush the grieving process. [00:38:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:38:23] Speaker B: Oh, good. That's. Even the experts are saying this grief takes time and there is no set time limit for healing. [00:38:29] Speaker A: Yep. [00:38:30] Speaker B: Okay. Another one, big one. Don't blame yourself. [00:38:36] Speaker A: Oh, yes. [00:38:37] Speaker B: Do not blame yourself. You know, you can kind of think like, oh, if only I had done this, this and this, they'd be okay. [00:38:43] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:38:44] Speaker B: You know, so, yeah, don't. Don't focus on regrets and things you could have done differently. Don't. Similarly, don't dwell in the past. You know, you might reminisce, but try to avoid fixating on the past where it prevents you from moving forward. And. Oh, this is a big one. Oh, I hadn't even thought of this one. You ready for this, Emeril? Don't idealize the person or the situation. [00:39:14] Speaker A: Mm. [00:39:17] Speaker B: Wow. Acknowledge their positive and negative traits. Both. That's a good one. I hadn't even thought about that. Had you? [00:39:28] Speaker A: No. But, I mean, I kind of got to live that too. Because with me, because there was no closeness to my father in law. I respected him for who he was. And obviously I can definitely sympathize for the grieving process. They're going to, and I can hold space for them, but we just didn't have that kind of relationship. But at the same time, I knew where it came from. I knew that he was wounded in some parts and some parts of himself couldn't understand. For example, my husband was bisexual and he never talked to his parents about it. And then all of a sudden, here I appear in his life and then he marries me. So, yeah, that's kind of a shocker for most parents. And when you're stuck in old beliefs of machismo and stuff, then I. He almost, like, looked at me like I was the blame, I was the cause of it when I never was. It was just his son never decided to open up about it. But nonetheless, I can't see because of the fact that I've gone through enough wounds. I can't See a wounded person and use that against them. Because that would mean that anyone could have used that against myself. Because I've been there and I've done. I'm not perfect by it. None of us are. But I've done many mistakes, especially before I went through my awakening process. And that's. That's what it is that I sometimes feel that people don't understand is that I read something one time where it says before you. You go through your spiritual awakening, you're drunk in ego, and it kind of makes sense. Like, there's a lot of things you do that you just do because you think that's the way this should be done. And then once you analyze them like you. You start to live a life, a more meaningful life where you are present and you want to be proud of the things you're doing. You no longer care about fitting in. You no longer care about, like, just being perfect or having to wear this mass of perfection. Instead, you want to be more human. You want to be there for others. You want to be there for yourself. And it's interesting, when this whole thing started happening and everything. [00:41:51] Speaker B: I. [00:41:52] Speaker A: When I see my husband, I see myself, my. The old version of myself. A lot. He's suppressing a lot of things. He's suppressing a lot of things. He doesn't want to show emotions. I've asked him if he wants to talk. I'm always there for him to just listen. Not to talk, but just listen. He doesn't want to. [00:42:14] Speaker B: Even now, after the death of his father. [00:42:16] Speaker A: Even after the death. Death of his father. Because here's the thing that we don't realize is that when we find a person, my husband's not the most spiritual person. I mean, he obviously has shifted to be with me because if he hadn't raised his vibration, we wouldn't be together. But one of the things is that he's going on his own pace and you can't rush somebody's growth. And he's pretty much dealing with the death the way I dealt with my father's death years ago. I was really excited because he had decided to join me in a cacao ceremony, which for those of you that are not aware, cacao ceremony is very heart healing ceremony. It really goes into the heart and it's a sound healing afterwards. And I was really excited that he was going to join me. And he just canceled completely. He says, I'm not attending it now. Even though I'm not going to lie. I was like, this would be so helpful and so Healing for you. And I can't believe you're not doing this. I held back, and I just allowed him to have his own journey. Because part of it doesn't matter, whether it's your husband, your mother, your father, or whatever character it is, they have free will. And that free will, we have to stand behind it. Same as, like, I have free will, too, and I will be there, and I will hold space. And I would hold space for him, for his family that I've gotten to know and in love and care for, and they've showed me what, like, I feel very accepted by them, but I also cannot partake on things that are not natural, where I feel I don't fit in. They belong to, like, they're Catholic, and I'm no longer Catholic, and there's a lot of things I don't resonate with, so. But at the same time, I'm not trying to change them. And they can have and do anything they want out of that, because I can be at support for them without necessarily having to be part of that. And it's hard. It's a lot easier said than done, because a lot of the times, those people that are within that mindset, they're gonna be judging you. They're gonna be like, well, why isn't this person here? This person should be here because it's so and so's, whatever. But you have to know that in order for you to be there for others, you need to fill your own cup first. And if you're not filling your own cup, then you can't really be there for others. [00:44:58] Speaker B: Well, especially when they're gonna need to rely on your strength right now. [00:45:01] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:45:02] Speaker B: And also, you don't want to do anything that goes against your personal integrity. So. [00:45:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:45:06] Speaker B: For example, I know you prefer not to be going to a Mass. For example, you probably go to a memorial, but you may not want to attend the mass. [00:45:15] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:45:16] Speaker B: Yeah. So, okay. There's still a couple more things about what not to do, and this is one that's. Don't refuse to make necessary changes. I'm kind of taking that one as, you know, kind of like they want to keep things the same as it was. It's almost like a memorial to the person. You know, we don't change our routine. We don't do this, we don't do that. And I think it might be a misguided form of respect for the person who passed. Kind of like when, you know, you see people, like, they ultimately don't. Don't give the person's clothes away. They keep those for 20 years. You know, things like that. So, yeah, you'll have to establish a new routine. You know, you don't have to rush it once again. But you know, if it's. It's saying necessary changes. So it's like, I guess don't ignore what still needs to get. Get done in daily life. Okay. There's a big one. Don't rely on alcohol or drugs. [00:46:14] Speaker A: Oh, yes. Because that's just suppressing. [00:46:18] Speaker B: Yeah. It's just gonna. Yeah. Hinder the grieving process. And it's just gonna come back still. And hit you. [00:46:25] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:46:26] Speaker B: Even harder. Cause you've been holding it back. And then here's a big one. Don't make big life decisions. That makes sense. If you were about. If you're thinking about buying a house, that's probably not the time to do it, you know, or decide if you're quitting your job. Things like that. [00:46:43] Speaker A: Well, as a hairstylist, I witnessed so much of women just sitting down the chair says, cut all my hair off. And I was like, okay, first of all, what happened? Yeah, so it's always emotional. It's like, I mean, yes, there is some people that truly want to do, like, a huge change in image, but for the most part, if somebody comes up to me and says, I want to cut all my hair off and it's long, I'm gonna first ask what's going on. And the number one thing, it's always the passing of someone or divorcing, which. [00:47:17] Speaker B: Is a form of someone passing away. I mean, you know, the. The person you married is gone. That person has changed to the point that they don't want to be married anymore. So that person you loved when you were 20 is gone. Yeah. [00:47:33] Speaker A: And you know, the one thing working with energy and me being a hairstylist for so many years, one of the things I learned is we do hold energy in our hair, like, especially of old past. Stagnant energy that we haven't released. Like, one of the things when I work with hair is I'm able to release that. Especially for people that go through breakups. People, they go. They're going through emotional things. I'm able to release all that stuff, stagnant energy, because it is in your hair. And that's why not just me saying it, but culturally. For example, Native Americans are big on collecting their hair when they cut it, because it's sacred to them in other cultures as well. And that's why there's, like, things about moon cycles and when to Cut your hair and stuff, it's all part of, like, rituals, but nonetheless, your hair does hold energy, and it is a huge relief and release when you get something as simple as a haircut with someone that knows, like, can read into what's processing and what's going on. I've. I've had so many people. Like, the one thing, the advantage about being a hairstylist is that you get to connect with people in a deeper level. Because not only is it their image, but a lot of the times they say, like, a hairstylist is like a cheap counselor or psychologist or bartender or bartender, because they talk to you about everything that's going on. And you notice that when they're going through big shifts in their life, you're holding space for them, they're telling you their story. You're not going to be sharing it with everybody. And as. As you get them, as you're clearing them out, as you're cutting their hair, they feel so much lighter. That's the one thing that my clients always say, like, I feel so much better when I get out. Like, I feel like I'm just so squeaky clean. They don't sometimes realize. And only those that are ready to listen to what I actually do when I'm doing their hair, I tell them. But the other ones, I just let it pass. They're not ready. Not everybody's ready. [00:49:41] Speaker B: It's very cathartic as well as, you know, some of the things we've talked about in other episodes are recommended for grief. You know, like the deep breathing, the breathing exercises and meditation, and any mindfulness type training you've had, Spending time in nature. All these things we've talked about are likely to be helpful. One of the things I'm finding I found online, too, was releasing grief and moving forward. And the first thing it says, I think is very important. Accepting the loss. [00:50:17] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:50:18] Speaker B: Not allowing yourself, like we talked about, feel the pain, but also to just not be in denial anymore. You know, just feel the loss, accept it. And then another word that's coming up, which is one that you use a lot. So I'm curious how you feel about this. Surrender to the experience. [00:50:38] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:50:39] Speaker B: How does it feel when I say that? [00:50:41] Speaker A: So now in my present time, it feels good. It feels like that's what you do. But when I was living it and stuff, surrendering is so hard because it's almost like you question the whys and it's the why you want to know. Like, for example. Oh, another thing too, that I just. You just brought up with that is somebody asked me, what do you think it's easier to manage someone that you know, like, that they have an illness, it's a terminal illness. Is that easier to handle or, like, an accident, accidental death? Which one do you think? It's tougher. And I'm like, honestly, when you're grieving, you're grieving the loss physically of someone. So they're both just as hard because you can prepare it all you want. You can say that I'm ready for this. I know it's coming. [00:51:32] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:51:34] Speaker A: And, you know, like, to be kept perfectly real. We live in a society that even though we have tools that could help us, that, like, would prepare us more. Example, count family counseling. Before, like, a loved one passes, when they're going through the process, the unfortunate part is that people don't use those tools. So then when it gets time to it, it's really hard for them to. To be able to process it. [00:52:03] Speaker B: And then everybody's got their own opinion about what you're supposed to do. Like, I. I had power of attorney with my mom, and some of you don't know that my mom suffered a series of debilitating strokes. I'm the only kid in Washington state. I have power of attorney. I have to make the decision. After the last stroke, do we turn her pacemaker off? And as much as I was prepared that this is not a good quality of life, my mom couldn't talk. She couldn't even lift a cup. I don't think anything prepares you for that decision. And the grief you feel afterwards, even though you know it's better for ultimately. So you're right. I wouldn't be able to pick either. The sudden, sudden loss is devastating. But even the ones where you're mentally prepared, like, it would be so much better when. When she passes, when it actually happens. It's a shock. [00:53:06] Speaker A: It is. [00:53:07] Speaker B: Even when you've made your. When you've been the one who made that decision. [00:53:10] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:53:11] Speaker B: Yeah. See, I'm crying now. Good. It's grief. I still feel grief over that. [00:53:17] Speaker A: Well, it was a hard decision. [00:53:18] Speaker B: Very hard. And then to. Then to have to call this. Well, actually, I talked to the siblings first because I wanted them to know I was at that point, But I can. Unfortunately, my brother and sister, pretty reasonable people. But I can see where there could be. Some families were like, no, you can't do that to mom. [00:53:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:53:36] Speaker B: You know, because they're not there witnessing what's happening. So all they're thinking of, no, no, you can't do that. And that would just cause even more stress, which, trust me, that's a stressful moment to begin with. So that is a great question. So the surrender, how does that tie into the surrender? Oh, boy. Does it. You can't control. Yeah, Well, I guess you could say I surrendered to what needed to be done. And then when it's an accident and it's quick, you have to surrender to. Yeah, they're gone. [00:54:14] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:54:14] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:54:15] Speaker A: I still remember. This is my dad. Obviously, it was an accident. And I still remember the time before that I saw my dad. And I remember it because your mind automatically goes into that last time and that. I remember it like, if it was just yesterday. We went out to dinner. We went to have Chinese food at this place that he loved. We had Chinese food. And afterwards, like, we. My husband and I picked him up, picked my parents up and took him out to dinner. Then we dropped him off. And right as we dropped him off, he got out of the car. And then I said bye to my mom. And then my dad was the last one to get out of the car. And I remember I gave him a hug, but he gave me, like, an extra tight hug and says, I'm very proud of you. In, like. It was, like, weird because my dad wasn't that person. My dad, he had many, many things that were, like, such great things about being a father, but he wasn't. He was. He was. It was so hard for him to express. So that was what I was left with, which, I mean, don't get me wrong, as opposed to being something negative I was really grateful for is just the question of, like, why did he have to go? And there was so much that I went through. There was guilt because he fully accepted his son. Exactly for who I was. Meaning I had come out at a young age being gay. He accepted my husband. Things were shifting, and then they got taken away. I was like, what the heck? Like. So the thing is, there's no. There's no way that we can just sit here and tell you guys, oh, we're pros at this, because nobody is. But what we can say is that because this, when you go through these experiences, they open your heart space in such a way where you're able to connect with it. And I think the best thing you can possibly do during these times is to listen to your heart and to be guided to your heart, because that is truly what's going to help you. And it's going to make your decisions and make the things you need to, like, do be easier on you and. [00:56:44] Speaker B: Most likely it's going to strengthen your spirituality. [00:56:47] Speaker A: Yes. [00:56:47] Speaker B: So that's why this, this episode is part of welcome to Woowooville. It helps you see your connection to the divine and the wonder of life even more. So the last thing on this list I want to let you know is what is recommended is, yeah, go ahead and feel the feelings, but do find your joy and purpose again. Focus on understanding that this is a powerful healing that's going on. [00:57:17] Speaker A: Yeah, this was a heavy episode, but thank you so much for listening. Please share. [00:57:24] Speaker B: Yeah, and I think we've all understand loss at some point. At some point. So if there's anyone you know who's grieving and you want to share this process and this podcast with them, please do. So they know they're not alone. [00:57:37] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:57:38] Speaker B: All right. Thank you so much. [00:57:40] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:57:41] Speaker B: Bye. [00:57:42] Speaker A: Bye.